I am writing all the way from America to inform you (and a certain selection of your population) that, contrary to popular belief, not all Americans own a swimming pool.
Though films such as The Graduate, Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Meet The Parents would have you believe otherwise, there are, in fact, fewer Americans that do own a swimming pool than those that do not.
Yes, there are generally more houses with swimming pools installed in the US than in the UK, but this by no means dictates that 100% of the populace gets to enjoy them.
As a matter of fact, I've heard it said that swimming pools - as luxurious and indicative of wealth as they may look to the outsider - are an absolute pain in the arse to maintain. Not to mention that, even once the pool has been installed, there are countless maintenance costs to bear in mind. Most Americans, I imagine, would rather just not have the hassle.
The fact that America is the international flag bearer for capitalism does not mean that each individual owns a pool. It doesn't even mean that each individual is rich: far from it, in fact. What it does mean is that Americans become a target for certain uninformed Brits who believe, with no real evidence, that all Americans are born into an enormous college fund.
Moreover, I read on the ever reliable Wiki Answers the other day that around 36% of Americans cannot actually swim. While this figure is quite staggering in and of itself, has it ever occurred to you, Britain, that this third of Americans might be a little reluctant to own a pool? What did you think they were going to do, fill it with thousands of teeth whitener strips (don't get me started)?
I'm just going to be straight up with you about this, Britain. Swimming pools are not the big American accessory you thought they were. Sure, there are more pools in somewhere like Florida than in the Midwestern state I am writing from: but even Florida, with its sunny weather, can only boast a swimming pool ratio of 2 in every 3 houses (okay, that's actually quite high). The point is, only 33% of Americans actually own a pool. This equates to just 104 million Americans (okay, that's stupidly high). Look, not everyone owns a pool.
A British expat
A British expat
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