I hope this letter finds you well, and that its contents give you cause for reflection. I am writing on a matter of much urgency and hope that, together, the two of us can find a solution. So here goes...
Every now and then, some members your citizenry seem to make wildly unfounded and mathematically preposterous assertions about my social life. In short, this small minority of people like to ask whether I—an ordinary British citizen with no discernible connections of any kind—am friends with Her Majesty the Queen of England.
While I am flattered by the suggestion, I must state unequivocally that I am friends with neither the Queen nor any single member of her illustrious family. This, in part, is because the United Kingdom is a nation comprising almost 65 million people. To give you some perspective, that's roughly equal to the combined population of California and Texas—the two most populous states in your esteemed union.
Think about that for a moment. Do you really think the Queen has the time—not to mention, the security resources—to befriend that many people? Let's be honest, America; most of us don't have more than six friends, never mind 65 million.
Moreover, and I would be remiss if I didn't ask this, how many of your citizens can honestly say they are friends with, say, the President of the United States? Or even the Governor of their home state? Or heck, the mayor of their home town? I suspect very few. Because that's not how life works. You don't wake up one day and suddenly decide to add the world's most powerful people to your Facebook friends' list. Actually, you might—it's Facebook. But you get the picture.
What I'm saying is, the Queen does not count the average (or even above average) British citizen among her close contacts. Historically, that's sort of monarchy 101.
And so I would greatly appreciate it if you could have a word with these people—again, we're only talking about a very select few—and gently remind them of how friendships actually work. Until then, I'm afraid any friendship between them and myself will henceforth be quite royally tested.
An ordinary British citizen
Sometimes, it's better hearing me in a British accent. Click the red button below.